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Lament of Faranom the Wingfoot by ~jayje:iconjayje:



From the golden East the Sun awakes, to ride across the air.
His crown so bright with golden light.  His face so radiant fair.
Tell me, O King of Skies, have you seen a certain thief?
He tarries long, I fear he's gone; my heart is full of grief.

'I know you are a friend of his, who, ever at his side,
did with him ride the early winds. So greatly did he glide.
Before I rose to bring the day, I saw him at Death's door
and then I saw him pass within, to ride the winds no more.'

The Moon shines in the night, watching with her eye.
She sheds her beams in argent streams across the evening sky.
What have you seen, O Silvered Maid, of flying Faranom?
All know his name and hear his fame, yet he is seen by none.

'I saw him, straight and tall, walk the currents of the sky.
I saw him struck by an arrow, falling from on high.
His spirit walks the dark road, on which the dead depart
but his body he left far behind--an arrow in his heart.'

Farewell, Faranom, my one and only friend.
The Sun and the Moon are witness to your end.

Goodbye my friend for you have died, your fate was so unkind.
But still your name will be sung, until the end of time.
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconjayje:

Author's Comments

This is something I wrote after reading Lord of the Rings. Its borrows a bit of its pace, but the rest is mine. I was Pretty proud of it when I finished.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 2 2 wow 1 1 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconfloydiac:
Great! I love it! Great structure, great story, great!! :+fav:

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:pride:
:iconjayje:
thnaks. i appreciate you takin time out to read my stuff.

--
Light it up! :lightbulb:
Burn it out! :flame:

My first manga, Return Ascension
:iconfloydiac:
No probs, mate. I look forward to seeing more!

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:pride:
:iconkaylazelda:
Nicely written in verse, I see nothing wrong with it.

I say a challenge would be for you to write a short story with the same structure used here.

Brittish.

--
I fell in love with food. Is that such a sin?
:iconjayje:
hhmmm..... that would be a stretch wouldn't it? that's got me thinking... thanks

--
Light it up! :lightbulb:
Burn it out! :flame:

My first manga, Return Ascension
:iconlangsam:
I love internal rhymes. :highfive: But they constrain meter and make mixed rythms a little less attractive. I can't tell if your mixes are intentional or not. Some seem a little strained. For example, why not for the first line something like

"From golden East the sun awakes, to ride across the air,"

which slides more easily into the second line because the rythm is closer. And the poem is musical enough throughout that you might be able to keep a more regular rythm without becoming too predictable.

--
check out ~ShroudedLit or else all your base are belong to us
:iconjayje:
hhhmmm... that's an interesting suggestion. i never thought of it that way. thanks for that

--
Light it up! :lightbulb:
Burn it out! :flame:

My first manga, Return Ascension
:iconlangsam:
So what had you never thought of that way? Line 1 or meter in general? I ask because the latter is important, and as far as I can tell, it's the most common problem in DA poetry (except at advanced levels, like the stuff written by the lit gallery directors). And I care because I think you have something potentially good here if you make it scan better. And I guess it doesn't scan because you haven't worked on that much, but if you have, I don't want to harp on it.

--
check out ~ShroudedLit or else all your base are belong to us
:iconjayje:
line one. wverytime i read it. it always sounded right to me but i can try it with your suggestion and see if its better. any other thoughts?

--
Light it up! :lightbulb:
Burn it out! :flame:

My first manga, Return Ascension

Details

August 19, 2006
1.4 KB

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